I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
