My friends, they love my intelligence
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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