the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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