new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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