my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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