I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize