I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
