if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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