I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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