Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My ass is underappreciated
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
