I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
