sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
