We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
