ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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