i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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