I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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