the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
