Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
