I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
