mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
