it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
