she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
