I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
