Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
