I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize