i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
