I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize