I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
