party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize