dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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