there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Text me some of your sweat
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