So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
