Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
