do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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