I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
