Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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