Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
