I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
