my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
