no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
