I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
