can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
