Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
