i think my mom watched the whole time
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
