This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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