Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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