Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
