No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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