Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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