Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
