An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
