Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
did you get engaged???
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
