Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize