omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
