So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
