I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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