Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
