if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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