come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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