I will die if light touches me.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
