She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize