she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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