You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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