you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
