i can't believe i had my finger in that
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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