Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
