even my farts smell like vagina
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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