I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize