she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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